Schrodinger's Recipe for Disaster
by VampireQueenAkasha
Summary: Schrodinger tries to make dinner for the Major with crazy results! Rated M only for harsh language. That is all.


**Schrodinger's Recipe for Disaster**

**Disclaimer:** More mindless nonsense from yours truly! I was inspired to write this fic while working. One of my coworkers started a fire and angrily tried to put it out. It was just too funny. So here, this idea came to being! SILLY, SILLY, SILLY. Here is everyone favorite cat boy, Schrodinger as he tries to make dinner for the Major.

**By: VampireQueenAkasha**

_"__The qualities of an exceptional cook are akin to those of a successful tightrope walker: an abiding passion for the task, courage to go out on a limb and an impeccable sense of balance."_

-Bryan Miller

"_I myself spent hours in the Columbia library as intimidated and embarrassed as a famished gourmet invited to a dream restaurant where every dish from all the world's cuisines, past and present, was available on request."_

-Luigi Barzine

Schrodinger quickly adjusted the camera, his goofy face sticking into it. He flashed a grin and darted behind a counter top, giggling the entire time.

"Okay, today I show you Millennium how to make good dinner, Ja?" he said, grinning. "First, ve make Sauerbraten, the Major's favorite dish!" He flipped madly through a recipe book and his ears twitched once. "Okay, dis says un big bit a beef." He brought his face up from the cook book and smirked devilishly. He looked into the camera. "Be right back!" He took off, carrying a small axe and whistling a happy tune to himself.

_Time Lapse_

Schrodinger returned, dragging a large cut of bleeding cow thigh. He slapped it onto the counter, rattling the objects in the process. He was covered in little blood splatters on his uniform and face, but he looked perfectly content.

"Little Toifel put up a fight!" he gushed. He picked up his book and smeared it with blood. "Ooh, now ve find vinegar!" He darted off to the side and rummaged through the cupboards and tossed things through the air, murmuring. He returned with a bottle of red wine. "Ahh, couldn't find vinegar, but za Doc's red wine vill do!"

And with that, he poured it into a frying pan over the stove, happily humming.

The Doc hollered to him from the hallway. "Warrant Officer, vhere are you?" he shouted, "I cannot find dis veeks Mad Doctor Veekly!"

Schrodinger shouted back, while still pouring the wine. "In da Zeppelin!"

"Ve have 130 Zeppelins!" the Doc barked, from the hall. "Vich Von?"

Schrodinger didn't notice the wine pouring over. "Ze HINDENBURG!" He looked down and noticed his mess, sighing. "Ahh Shyst..."

_Time Lapse_

Schrodinger was not in the kitchen. The radio was playing E Nomine's "Laetitia". Crashing sounds could be heard in the pantry. A can of beans flew through the air, passing the camera that was still on. Jan appeared and growled angrily.

"Dude, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CIGARETTES?" he snapped. He peeked under the counter. "Hey, cat cunt, where did you stash 'em?" He paused and noticed the camera. A grin touched his lips and he picked it up. "Hey, sweet! Come get somma this, ya' fucking Hellsing fucks!" He started to put the camera down his pants, but Luke came walking in and sighed impatiently, snatching the camera and placing it back where it was.

"Hey! What gives, bro?" Jan protested, "I was just ... "

Luke sighed, shaking his head. "Why must I always babysit you?" he muttered, "Let's go. It's time for work."

"Awww!" Jan protested, following him.

Schrodinger appeared in the kitchen as they left, carrying several spices and vegetables. He placed them down and smiled happily, starting to chop them up with a knife. "Dah, now ve need 2 bay leaves and ze big onions!" He tossed the sliced vegetables into a pot and glanced at his cookbook. "...And sit in refrigerator for 2-3 days." With a frustrated meow, he cursed. "Ahh, Verflucht, how I hate ze numbers!" He sighed and folded his arms. Finally, with a sheepish grin, he glanced at the camera. "Let's try something else, Ja?"

_Time Lapse_

The Major sat happily at his table and awaited his dinner. Schrodinger pushed the double doors open with one foot and yelped. He had several dishes balancing on his head, arms and butt. He swayed over to the Major's table while the others watched, laughing and shaking their heads. They could not see what the little Officer prepared.

"Ahh, it looks divine, Warrant Officer Schrodinger!" the Major gushed, as the plates were placed down before him.

"Eat up, sir!" Schrodinger gushed.

The Major grinned and reached out for a pie with his fork, but it wriggled slightly. His glasses dangled from his nose in a startled gasp. Suddenly, the pie exploded and a small critter rushed out, squeaking angrily. It darted off and Schrodinger grinned sheepishly.

"Oops, dat one got avay from me, sir!" he said, reaching for a chair. "I got it!"

With that, he darted wildly around the table, chasing the critter and cursing in German. The Major laughed and clapped in delight while the Doc covered his forehead in one hand with weariness. Rip was giggling.

"Go get it, dog boy!" she hooted.

The Major just enjoyed Schrodinger's silly antics. Much later, Schrodinger was gazing into his camera with a laugh. "So, zere you have it," he said, grinning, "I CAN make dinner fun for ze Major, Ja?" He glanced off to the side. "Ohh, I vonder if ze Doc knows I used his potions?"

"SCHRODINGER!" an angry voice bellowed.

Schrodinger giggled and took off. "Ja."

O

_Note_-And end to the mindlessness!


End file.
